


Holiday Traditions and Parental Influences

by adorations



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Ableism, Christmas, Complicated Relationships, December 9th, Gen, Growing Up, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:14:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27872849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adorations/pseuds/adorations
Summary: For Abed, December 9th means watching Rudolph with his mom.
Relationships: Abed Nadir & the Study Group, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Troy Barnes/Abed Nadir (Implied)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 87





	Holiday Traditions and Parental Influences

**Author's Note:**

> Happy December 9th! I am crying.

1994 

For a long time, he thinks of the first December 9th as the worst one. 

On the first December 9th, there is no tradition in place. There is no intention to watch any movie, Christmas or otherwise. There is just a woman coming back to get her things and a little boy screaming. 

"You see what happens?" his father asks her. "You can’t drop in unannounced like this. It's bad for your son."

The second she puts her hand on the door, he grabs her quickly, throwing his arms around her knees and holding tight. He can’t control the sound he’s making, and he really wishes he could because it’s making them upset again and the screaming is beginning to hurt his throat. But he can’t seem to help himself. That's the part people never understand. He doesn’t want to be doing this, either.

The more he yells, the less energy he's able to devote to holding on to her legs and he slowly sinks to the ground, stubby fingers balling up the soft fabric of her skirt in his fist. 

"Misiu," she says, trying to bend down to his level. "Abed, I have to go now. Let's say goodbye."

What he wants to say is _no_ but what comes out of his mouth is another whine and a glop of spit. He sees her wince. 

"Abed," his dad says. "Let's go, okay? Let's watch a show."

Abed releases one hand and presses it into his face instead, and in that instant, his mother slips out of his grasp. He lunges forward to grab her again but his father holds him back and he feels like his skin is burning and he can barely breathe and his throat is scratching—

It's his mother who picks up the remote and turns on the TV. Abed stops resisting and sinks to the ground. 

He’s seen the tv special before. He recognizes the music and he knows that tiny reindeer with the red nose. 

He can still hear himself making sound, but it's different, lower pitched and less drawn out. 

His mother sits on the couch that used to belong to all of them. 

"Come here, Abed," she says, and he likes how the sound of her voice blends with the music. 

"Maggie."

"Come here," she says, paying no mind to his father. 

His breathing still comes in short, desperate breaths but it's slowly returning to him. Eventually, he makes his way to the couch. 

Abed curls his feet up on the couch and wraps his arms around his legs. His fingertips run through his hair once, twice, three times, until his mother's hand slowly joins them. 

His dad sighs, but Abed doesn't know why. He leaves the room. 

That night, Abed sleeps on the couch, clutching the pillow she had leaned up against. His dad brings him a blanket in the middle of the night but doesn't say anything else about it.

1995

Now that they're expecting her, they have Rudolph on VHS. 

Abed likes holding his tapes in his hands. He sits criss-cross applesauce in front of the TV and stacks them. He runs his fingers across them, back and forth and back and forth to feel the ridges underneath his fingertips.

"Abed," his mother says, behind him, on the couch, where he can't see. "Abed."

He runs his finger back and forth. He adds another cassette to the stack. 

"Abed." Back and forth. "Abed, please look at me when I talk to you." Back. "Misiu." Forth. "Abed."

And before he's even realized what’s happening, she puts her hand on his chin and tilts his head toward her.

His first instinct is to scrunch up his eyes and move his head back out of her reach, but he miscalculates and stays stuck within her grasp. His hand flies up to push at hers, but she is too strong. 

He's still a young man of a few selective words and phrases, but even so, he can't think of any way he would ever be able to tell her how wrong he feels in this moment. 

"Abed," she says, "let's start the movie, okay? Because I don't have a lot of time here and I want to watch Rudolph with you. Okay?"

Eventually, he makes his way to the couch and sits next to her.

1996

"Aren't you a little chatterbox?" she comments. 

He nods. "Ms. Clara says I have a lot of opinions."

Now that he's doing second grade again, Ms. Clara works with him in a different classroom before lunch time and they practice holding pencils, using scissors, and talking about feelings.

He's not stupid, he knows she's studying him and trying to figure him out. But he goes to the doctor's office less and she wears soft sweaters and speaks kindly. She reminds him of Miss Honey. 

He doesn't know if his mom knows about her at all, but she doesn't question it when he brings up her name. 

"That's good!" she says.

He nods. "I told her all about Rudolph. I also told her my top ten best holiday movies. Do you want to hear the other nine?"

She shakes her head politely. "No, thank you, Abed. Not today, okay?”

He tries to quiet himself.

1997

 _But Daddy, it's not very comfortable!_ Rudolph says to his dad.

He has a big gap in the front of his smile and another tooth he can't stop wiggling and he can't wait to show her. 

"Oh, very nice!" she says, but she keeps her distance. "Such a handsome smile."

Later, when she catches him pushing it against his lip with his tongue, she tells him to stop. 

"Don't do that, Abed. It's not polite."

He switches to taking the blanket and rubbing the soft fabric against his cheek. She pushes it down. 

Abed sits on his hands and twists with discomfort. He wants to do what she says.

 _There are more important things than comfort. Self respect!_ is Donner's reply.

1998

Rudolph's parents give him a fake nose to hide how it glows.

"Are you going to give me something like that?" he asks her. 

"Like what?"

Abed shrugs. "Something that makes me seem normal."

She makes a funny face at him. "Do you still visit with Ms. Clara?"

"No." He misses her, sometimes. But he's out of her age range now. 

"If you want something like that," she says, "maybe your father can arrange for you to see some more counselors."

He knows what that means, he knows a little too well, and he knows the tests and the needles and the other invasive procedures that will go along with it and he can already feel that familiar panic rising up from his core and spreading out through his body. 

"No therapy!" he spits out. "No doctors! I'm done."

"Abed, honey, I really think–"

That's as much as he hears before the ringing in his ears takes over. He moves his hands up to his ears anyway, just to make sure the suggestion is blocked out. Before he curls up and hides his face, he sees her calling for his dad. He's running in from the kitchen in seconds. 

When she's about to leave, he hears his dad in the other room. 

"You don't get to pick and choose when you're his mother," he says sternly. 

He doesn't hear if she says anything back.

1999

"Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas," she says, allowing a hug. "Well, almost."

"I know," Abed says. "But I don't celebrate except for today, so this is basically Christmas day for me."

"That's right," she says, nodding as she realizes he's correct. 

Because he doesn't celebrate Christmas outside of this day, he doesn't write letters to Santa or stay up all night waiting for him to visit. He doesn't have a naughty or nice list to worry about like the kids on TV. But he tries to be good so his mom will keep coming back.

2000

"If you want to stay later, we could watch Star Trek!" he says. "Or Star Wars. But not Phantom Menace, because it is _not_ as good."

She gives a thin smile. "That's alright. I should be going. Maybe another time." 

Of course. Maybe next time he sees her. He'll start planning which episodes to show her right away. Then, if she decides to stay longer next year, he'll have them all ready.

2001

He sits a little more stiffly this year. He's still sore from spending a few hours in a locker a few days before.

He's quieter, too, and he thinks she can tell. 

"Are you having fun at school, Abed?"

He shakes his head. "No. I don't really like school."

"Oh."

On screen, Rudolph is singled out by the other reindeer. 

"Other kids are really mean. I mean, I knew that, but I had figured 80's movies were more of an exaggeration."

The marks on his face feel blazing hot, and he can feel her eyes examining them. There's more, too, under his hoodie which he is suddenly feeling abundantly glad for. 

"What happened to your face?" she finally asks.

He pulls his hood over his head and his feet onto the couch. 

"I want to keep watching the movie now," he says. 

She doesn't mention it the rest of the night. 

2002

"How's high school?" she wants to know.

"I'm not in high school yet."

"Oh." She's not looking at him anymore, and he isn't sure why. "I'm sorry."

"That's okay." He rubs his feet against the carpet idly. 

"It must be since you've gotten so tall."

It's also because he's older than everyone else, since he got held back and repeated second grade. He's been a little bit older and a little bit bigger than the other kids most of the time he's been in school. 

But it’s true, he has gotten tall. He now finds it even harder to move his body the way that he wants it to move. 

"I'm the tallest person in my science class and in my social studies class but I'm only the second tallest in math."

"That's still pretty tall," she says. "That's what my dad was like. You must get that from him."

"That makes sense. Dad's side is short."

She laughs sweetly. "Yes, I know."

"Will I ever get to go to Poland to meet him?"

She freezes. 

"Abed, I'm so sorry. He died."

"Oh. What killed him?"

She suddenly gets very stern. "Abed, that's not appropriate to ask."

"I'm sorry for your loss," he says instead, because that's what his dad told him to say when people die. Sometimes in movies people say _My condolences_ but he hasn't practiced that one yet. 

He wonders what other family he's lost without knowing it.

2003

His father starts leaving the house when his mom comes over. 

"He's not here?" his mother asks.

"No. He says he still doesn't like this and that he doesn't want to see you when you're here and he also told me not to tell you that, but I didn't really get why. I don't think it's a secret."

"No," she says after a moment. "It isn't."

2004

"So you must be driving now, huh?" 

Abed frowns. He is driving a little, with minor success. He wants to feel like Speed Racer or the Fonz, but instead he just feels confused and overwhelmed every time he gets on the road. He has no idea how people keep their lefts from their rights, even with the hand trick his dad keeps trying to explain. 

But technically, yes. He is learning to drive. He nods. 

"That must be so much fun," she says. 

Abed shrugs. "Yeah."

2005

He's wearing a new hoodie. 

He just bought it. With his own money, mind you, because he didn't want to risk asking his dad for it like he does with the rest of his clothes. So he dipped into part of his paycheck, the part he normally sets aside for concessions at the movie theater, and finally bought the hoodie that had taunted him for weeks.

At first glance, it's almost unremarkable. The primary green color is pleasing to the eye and it's soft on his skin, but it's otherwise relatively plain. 

It's in the details where its importance lies, as with most things Abed loves. Three stripes stretch across his chest, shining out pink, purple, and blue for all to see. Abed recognized it instantly. Other people typically don't notice.

But they could notice, which is kind of the whole point. It's both freeing and anxiety inducing. It feels a bit like being a spy, like in the movies, where he's undercover to most people, but the ones that can decipher the secret code get to know his identity. 

He has no idea if his mother knows the code, but it's a risk he takes anyway. He wears it over his Christmas pajamas and wonders if she can look at it and deduce everything, the girls he meets after class who don't talk to him in school, the boys who comment on the posters in his room without wanting to hear any of his fan theories. 

His mother doesn't say anything about it. She barely looks at his clothes. He pretends it's acceptance rather than ignorance.

2006

"Getting ready for college?" she asks stiffly.

It makes sense that she would ask. It's what most adults ask to make small talk now.

"I want to go to film school, but dad says it would be too expensive to send me far away to do that, so he said to stay here and work for a little bit and then we'll see what happens."

She nods. "That sounds like a very smart plan."

"I guess. I wanted to go now."

"Well, that's a lot of money, Abed. A lot of money on a film degree."

"Universities cost a lot in general. A lot of degrees are expensive, not just film."

"Yes, but—"

"Are we arguing?" Abed can't tell. "It feels like we're arguing."

She pauses. "No, we're not arguing."

He nods. "Okay, cool. Cool, cool, cool."

Out of the corner of his eye, he can see her watching him for a long time. Finally, she turns back to the TV. "I guess that's for your father to worry about, anyway." 

2007

This year, Abed works in the morning. He doesn’t mind. He likes spending time there when it's quiet and he can hear the TV in the corner while he cleans. He likes the routine of it.

And it gives him a lot of time to practice different versions of himself. He takes note of customer's reactions and he tries to adjust himself for optimal results. He wants to get it right, to get a soft smile out of them like one his mother would give him when he was little. He wants to perfect it before the evening, when his mom finally arrives.

He's an adult now. He needs to learn how to converse with other adults. He needs his mom to see that. 

Sometimes he gets that soft smile the customers and sometimes he gets furrowed eyebrows and sideways glances. But most of the time he just finds indifference, and somehow that is what he hates the most. 

It's exhausting work, but he needs to keep practicing. He's running out of time. He needs to find a smoother, grownup version of himself. He’s an adult now. 

He practices his smile, forcibly pleasant in the employee bathroom. He has no idea if it looks right.

2008

"Hm," Abed says, out loud and unintentionally. 

"What's that?" his mother asks distractedly. 

"Just thinking," he says. "The other reindeer only like Rudolph when he can help them. I never really thought about that part before. I think I was distracted by its nostalgic properties, but that's kind of an odd message to send in an otherwise feel-good holiday special."

"I suppose," she says after a long pause. "I don't really want to think that hard about it."

"But what are the implications of—"

"Abed," she interrupts. "It's a children's show." 

_Kids' shows often contain some of the strongest messages and character development and it goes unnoticed because people don't take it seriously_ is right on the top of his tongue, along with about a hundred examples of exemplary children's media, but he holds back. She wants to watch the movie, not talk through it. He will try to give that to her.

2009

"College isn't exactly like the movies, but it is a lot like TV sometimes, which is cool. I thought we were doing sort of a Breakfast Club thing at first, but it's really more of a sitcom with really strong found family themes. Last week there was an STD fair. And the week before that, me and Troy sang to a rat named Fivel. Troy is like my best friend, I think. It's hard to tell but that seems to be where it's heading, which is really cool. He lets me be the best athlete. Jeff's the handsome leading man, though. We need someone to bring in an audience while they get to know the rest of his. He likes Britta, who is also really nice to me. And–" 

"Abed," she says, and he realizes he's been talking for a really long time. He's almost out of breath. "Would you like to know how I've been doing?"

"Oh. Yes. How have you been doing?" 

She holds out her hand and he sees a large ring on her finger. 

"Is that a prop?"

"No, Abed. I'm getting married."

"Oh." His stomach turns. "To who?"

"To my boyfriend," she says. 

"You want to?" He needs to make sure. "Do you love him, or does somebody need to interrupt the wedding and save you?"

She becomes stern again. "Abed, do not do that."

"You love him, then?"

"Very much." She smiles. He's missed when she smiled like that. "Piotr is a very good man."

Abed shuffles his feet nervously. "Is he going to watch Rudolph with us from now on?"

Now her smile is different, but he can't put his finger on it. "Oh, you'll meet him one day."

"At the wedding."

"Soon," she says. "One day."

2010

It takes a long time for the numbness to wear off and for Abed to start feeling like a person again, even after they sing their heartfelt song.

He doesn’t say much on the way back, but they help him set up their stolen Christmas tree in his dorm, and Shirley displays the menorah she took from the Dean. Annie smiles. 

“I’m really glad I get to be here with you guys,” she says in the middle of Rudolph.

Troy reaches to grab her hand, and when he does, his arm brushes against Abed’s leg, warm even through all the layers of their clothes. 

Britta occasionally steals popcorn from the bowl on his lap. Shirley sings along with the music and Jeff fails to hide his smile. Pierce nearly falls out of his chair and they all get to laugh at him. 

The hot cocoa warms in his stomach and finishes thawing him. “Misfit toys,” he says suddenly.

He feels the energy in the room shift. His friends try to act casual at the sound of his voice. 

“What’s that, Abed?” Shirley asks. 

“Nothing,” he says. “Just glad we found a home this year.”

Britta holds his hand and he squeezes. Forgiven. 

Troy asks to sleep over and Abed knows it’s more of an offer than a request. When everyone else has reluctantly left, there is just a lonely boy and his best friend hugging in the center of the room.

Troy is shorter than he is but his arms stretch around Abed perfectly, fingertips working through his hair and breath soft on his skin.

“You know, if you want to watch any other holiday movies, they’re all new to me,” he says after a long pause. “We could watch some more, if you want.”

Abed feels throughly exhausted but he _does._ He wants to so badly. 

He ends up on the couch with his feet curled up under him and his head on Troy’s shoulder and Troy’s arm around him and it’s hard to keep his eyes open but he doesn’t even care, because Troy is holding him and they have a long list of movies and this, Abed thinks, is a ritual he could get used to.

“Thank you,” he tells Troy. 

He doesn’t have to say what it’s for. He already knows. They’re weird that way. 

Abed smiles.


End file.
